Signed in as:
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Signed in as:
filler@godaddy.com
Originally hailing from the pound somewhere in Wichita, the Colonel came to play Tonger at a young age when his contemporaries were busy humping fire hydrants and (unsuccessfully) trying to get single guys dates in the dog park.
As the Chair of Awwww, Colonel Cuddlesworth acts as the official emissary between the Tongerverse and the real world who love puppies but are otherwise not sure about randos who show up and throw stuff with kitchen tongs while singing the greatest hits from 1989.
Personal motto: "Feed me, and you might want to curb that situation I created across the street."
Someone's gotta keep this rabble honest, and that's where Phyllis comes in.
Originally from Tuscaloosa, Alabama but a die-hard Auburn fan because trolling her family is fun, Mrs. Tongerton began playing Tonger when she was a young girl working in her father's BBQ restaurant. Phyllis quickly realized that tongs can be used just as well for throwing ribs as flipping them.
As Chair Emeritus, she's never actually been chair because she doesn't have the time to police our tomfoolery, but likes the board position to lord over that one awful woman at Church, bless her heart.
Personal motto: "So help me, if you don't throw something with those tongs soon, you gotta sit next to Harold at Thanksgiving next year."
Hey, a Tongerian's gotta eat, right?
Mr. Tiny, originally hailing from Chengdu, China, is a master Sichuan/Cajun/Peruvian fusion chef who makes one helluva matzo ball soup. He began playing Tonger at the age of 17 as an homage to the Tong dynasty. He's also a fitness influencer on Instagram.
Mr. Tiny is responsible for feeding the Tongerverse prolific portions of artery-clogging and triple bypass-inducing cuisine at all official and unofficial Tonger events throughout the world. He also caters funerals, high school volleyball games and state visits.
Personal motto: "Eat that chicken pot pie. Do it now."
Don't let the mean mug fool you; Father Fedora is the warmest, most welcoming basement-dweller this side of Toledo.
A native of West Des Moines, Iowa, Father Fedora is dedicated to spreading the good news of Tonger to the misanthropic world of online forums. He first became an avid Tongerian when he discovered the best way to fashion a katana was through the use of multiple tongs.
Personal motto: "Shall we Tonger, m'lady?"
Every board needs a walrus.
It was written in Leviticus.
Jack Walrus was born and raised in the Bering Straight, the child of Maura and John Walrus. While fighting off a polar bear for a stream full of salmon, Jack found the utility of a tong in distracting the bear long enough to have his breakfast then get on with his day without further incident. He's been a Tonger enthusiast ever since.
As chair of Walrusing, Jack is actively growing the sport of Tonger among the thriving walrus communities of Alaska, Siberia, Antarctica and Reno.
Personal Motto: "Life. Tonger. Endless shrimp at Red Lobster."
A longtime New York Mets baseball fan who had a spiritual awakening while taking Pepto Bismol to soothe the heartburn of watching the Mets bullpen, Joey has joined our family to provide Tongerian guidance through our conscious ascent into 5d Tongerianism.
A native of Staten Island, New York, Joey has used the Tonger Method to soothe tensions between Mets and Yankees fans, the various warring factions of the Middle East and most impressively, between himself and his mother-in-law.
Personal motto: "We're paying that bum how much??"
A Nubian princess who splits her time between the 21st century and 2500 BCE, Safina joined our board to bring Tonger back to the dawn of civilization, influence multiple timelines and make these fools realize that butchery on a battlefield is a poor way to settle things when you can simply Tonger.
Betrothed to a King in 2500 BCE but in a situationship with a dude named Chuck in 2024, Safina blends both the contemporary knowledge of our modern world with the wisdom of the ancients to positively impact human relationships through the proliferation of Tonger throughout the ages.
Personal motto: "Desert sandstorms are so more fun when you can livestream them on the gram."
A native of the 4th dimensional Earth overlay town of Paktar, Duckie came to join our team when we realized we needed a duck with a beanie who likes to use tongs and other things on drums.
Representing the spirit of Tonger through irreverent living room stand-up comedy routines delivered to robins on balconies, Duckie moves the Tongerverse forward through drumming that attracts Tongerians the universe over, like a siren song, or "JOSIE'S ON A VACATION FAR AWAY..." at college bars.
Personal motto: "Tunes always sound best on the open road."
All sporting associations need their "inside person" to ensure Tongerians remain tax-exempt and off the radar of certain three-letter agencies, and Mary is equal to the task.
A longtime Tongerian after successfully using tongs to wrestle away the last of a delectable ribeye from a neighborhood velociraptor, McTongenheim is our voice in Washington.
A native of Arlington, Virginia, Mary also runs matchmaking events on weekends, using Tonger to bring together the educated, successful women of the D.C. metro area with the bowtie-clad Napoleans who populate their pool of romantic prospects.
Personal motto: "I'd love to catch up! I'll pencil you in for 7 minutes in November."
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